Sorry about not getting in my semi-weekly blog about wrestling last week but I was busy with some other writing and unmentionable work that took precedence over watching X-Pac tell people to suck it and then telling you guys about it. What is it with you guys? Why won’t you let me rest? Can’t I work on some life affirming sketches without you guys harranging me for trying to LIVE!? I didn’t even get in my eight free yoga classes that I won last week. Well let’s get on with it shall we? You bloodsuckers.
I’m sorry guys, I shouldn’t have called you bloodsuckers.
Tonight’s RAW opens with a recap of last evening’s Sunday Night HEAT where Stone Cold played Houdini to The Rock’s guy who got Stone Cold Stunnered by Houdini. Why not just write these plot points into Monday Night Raw? Not only do I refuse to watch a year of Sunday Night HEAT because of my a fore mentioned things I have to do but I choose to keep the sabbath as well and I find Sunday Night HEAT to be an affront to God.
The closing match this evening has been scheduled to be Man Kind Vs Stone Cold with Paul Wight as the special guest referee and The Rock as the special guest commentator. Why do we need so many special guests everythings? It’s fine if P. Dub wants to be a referee and The Rock wants to comment on the action as it happens, it’s what he’s best at. That and he has amazing timing on roller coasters
Doesn’t giving everyone the title of “Special Guest …” just inflate their already inflated egos? If Vince doesn’t watch out he’s going to be knee deep in Macy’s Day Parade floats. (Alternate quip: If Vince doesn’t watch out he’s going to be playing big head mode on his very own special guest version of NBA Jam)*
The first match of the evening is a Steel City Street Fight between D’Lo Brown and Owen Hart, presumably to determine who is more bland than the other. The rules of a Steel City Street Fight are simple, “come dressed how you want, use whatever you want, anything goes”. Did we really need to note that you can wear whatever you want to a street fight? We’ve all seen The Outsiders and we’ve all been to Pittsburgh, those guys wear whatever they want. IT’S A WIDELY KNOWN FACT!
The Wrestlemania Rage Party is getting bigger and more outrageous as the days go by; Not only will Big Pun be there (NEVER FORGET) but there’s also going to be appearances from Beer Nuts (?), The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies (bummer), and Isaac Hayes (A Number One!). And the whole event is going to be sponsored by Chef Boyaredee so you can listen to The Duke throw down a guest spot on Zoot Suit Riot while you gorge yourself on Beef Raviolis. To our Back To The Future Rules Time Machine! Or possible our Time After Time Rules Time Machine!
Back to my thoughts on the Steel City Street Fight where you can wear whatever you want. Why wouldn’t you just wear your regular wrestling jammies? I feel like Levi 501s would be too restrictive on your wrestling muscles while you hit people with brooms and a guitar. But what do I know?
Hey it’s the New Age Outlaws and boy they are oily. I don’t know how Mr. Ass (Yeeuuuuck) doesn’t break out into white heads all over his body every Monday night.
JR has gone insane. He’s sending out a strange message about people with Bells Palsy. I just want to say (because everyone is looking at this blog for a stance on people that have had or do have Bells Palsy) that not everyone with some form of Palsy is going to just pop into whatever ring they find and start hating on the WWF. HEAR ME OUT! They just want to live their lives, most of them don’t even have a strong opinion on wrestling entertainment.
What a strange story line to have to write; Ex announcer with Bells-Palsy goes crazy and starts to ruin performances of Monday Night Raw. Me thinks someone has fallen asleep in front of their copy of Phantom of the Opera one too many times.
“I have no idea of the relationship of this triangle” – Fill in ringside announcer Terry Taylor and also everyone else.
On a less saucy and much more Scooby Dooier notion, Brisco and McMahon’s other stooge are off looking for The Undertaker and his minions in what may be some of the best Frodo Baggins costumes I’ve ever seen.
Why can’t we stick with that story? I’d love to watch the Brisco crew skulking around the underbelly of the Pittsburgh arena in flame retardant cloaks and head lamps in search of The Minions, pulling off The Undertakers mask only to find out that he was Kane all along and that he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky middle aged men. He was obviously pretending to haunt the old abandoned Pittsburgh arena in order to scare everyone off so he could solve the ol’ Steel Town Riddle and keep General Forbes’ gold for himself.
I love Terry Taylor, it’s like he hasn’t seen an episode of Raw since presumably 1997 which for everyone else shouldn’t be a big deal but in this specific case Mr. Taylor WORKS for the WWF. Shouldn’t he know that Hunter Hearst Helmsley now goes by HHH? And That Dusty Rhoades goes by Goldust? No offense but he’s covered in gold paint.
How many times can one person be hit in the head with a European Championship belt? Maybe that’s why X-Pac acted like such an asshole on Celebrity Big Brother. He was on that right? (Nope)
Everyone in this episode is running around the back of the auditorium looking for someone else and now there’s no one else left to wrestle except for The Godfather and Steve Blackman. What a drag. But wait! Apparently there’s a clause in WWF Rule that says The Godfather can offer up his hoes in exchange for a boring match, how wonderful! But double wait! Droz (blech!) came out to get beat up by The Godfather and Steve Blackman. But triple wait! The Undertaker showed up to make us all go to sleep! The Undertaker really needs to get a grip and realize that he can’t just to turn the lights off and run out into every match in order to threaten The Bossman, maybe he’s not even in Pittsburgh tonight.
1. Does every other wrestler’s entry music involve all of the lights going out?
2. Kane can shoot fire from his hands?
Hey The Bossman finally showed up, I wonder if he knows that The Undertaker is looking for him. I should send him a page. You know what, he probably already knows I’m not going to bother him about it.
After all of that The Undertaker ended up getting arrested and The Stone Cold/Man Kind match with the special guest referee, commentator, saucier, flautist, and brick layer ended up with a weird fast count double cross and the line “The Rock digs the choke slam but what’s the deal?”. Yes Rock, what’s the deal indeed.
*Double zing for the price of one!